Cindy Lou

Journal to share my thoughts and daily events with friends and family
in my journey through Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML).

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Saturday cleaning

Well, I can't put it off any longer.........I have not really cleaned since I've been home, so today will be a day of cleaning the house. I haven't written for a few days because I guess I had one of the five stages people go through that have cancer. I learned the stages in nursing school and the first stage is denial, which I certainly had, since I knew when I went to the hematologist way back in October there was something really wrong, but I just chose to accept the doctor's explanation of my low white count and push all the other thoughts to the back of my mind. Then when I found out it was leukemia.....more denial. I kept thinking I would wake up from a bad dream. The second stage is the "why me" stage and I never really went through that and I thought I had passed it by and continued on to the third stage. But stage # 2 reared it ugly head the last two days. All at once it came over me like a wave of emotions. Why me, I had worked so hard all my life to make my life the way it is today and I did! Why at this time? I had acheived my goals in life. I had raised 4 wonderful children of whom I am extremely proud. I had 6 wonderful grandchildren and # 7 on the way and I looked forward to being an intregal part of their lives for many years to come. I had graduated from RN school just 1 year ago and I thoroughly enjoyed my job. Life was GOOD and I was enjoying the fruits of my labor. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR! So, I cried myself to sleep and dreamed about all the good times in my life. I did feel better this morning, so hopefully that is it for stage 2. I will beat this! YES I CAN!

posted by Cindy Lou @ 10:23 AM  

11 Comments:

  • At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Cindy
    I guess everyone has to have a GOOD CRY once in awhile to try to wash away all the hurt and heartaches that are in them. It is just too bad that yours has to be of such a serious nature. Now that that is taken care of right now, go on to the next stage and keep healing and having FAITH. Yes you WILL. I distributed the CUP at 8:15 Mass this morning and the PRESCIOUS BLOOD (wine) was drained before all could partake of it. I had visions of your bone marrow being DRAINED and NEW LIFE to replenish it. Your new and healthy life is just around the corner. TAKE CARE.

    LUV YA---MOM ROTH AND RALPH

     

  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi, Cindy,
    It's so hard to have complete faith and trust sometimes, isn't it? Yet, when bad things do happen, we know how good the simple, good things really are.
    You're a strong woman, Cindy, and your whole experience is really an example for those who love and care about you. You've been so strong all along, and maybe a good cry was just what you needed.
    Many, many of us check in with you to remind you that our thoughts and prayers are with you, but it is God that has been there all the time, everday, holding you up and supporting you. When you need a break, and it's just too much, give it all to God.
    YOU CAN, YOU HAVE, AND YOU WILL!!
    Hoping today is an especially blessed one,
    Linda Smith

     

  • At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Not one of us really knows what you are going through. We can only let you know that our thoughts and prayers are with you all the way. There are many that read your blog, but do not write. They, too, pray for you. Just hang in there, and in the end, this will all be a bad memory. We love ya, Cin.

    Love,
    Jan

     

  • At 11:01 AM, Blogger Kyle Roth said…

    Hey Mom,

    You have made us all proud with everything that you have accomplished in your life so far. And we know there is going to be plenty more to come. You have always put everybody else before yourself. You are an inspiration for many people for many different reasons.

    It is ok to have these thoughts. It is a tough journey and you are preparing to get back on the road, just know that you are not alone and we (all of our friends and family) will all make it through together.

    Love,
    KD

     

  • At 5:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Cindy, It`s o.k. to cry and feel a little pitty for yourself.You are a strong person and loving you will beat what lies ahead.You have come so far,just a bit more than you can dream what is in store for you, the best is to come.You have so many people pulling for you.Yes you can.Love ya,Beth

     

  • At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Cindy,
    I hope your feeling better now .
    Sometimes Life can be a real bummer. We always feel better after a good cry.And then we always give our house a good cleaning.I guess it's our way of gaining control.You've got your faith,family,friends and your job you enjoy.Things will work out and you will win this battle.Now go ahead and let Kyle give you a good firm hug and keep say Yes I Can.
    Thinking of you daily.
    Linda P.

     

  • At 9:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Bella,
    "Why me?" Don't we all ask that very same question so many times during our lives? I think, "why you", is because you have been chosen to teach all of us the true meanings of -courage, fear, determination, perseverance, faith, love, strength, the bond of matrimony, and the preciousness of motherhood, plus so many more. We all know what those things are, but we "forget" what they REALLY mean, or we get "too busy" with our everyday lives and think there will be time later to handle a situation a better way. You have changed many of us, for the better, without even realizing it. You have made us take time to smell the roses or to be more appreciative of the treasures we have. When I talk with you and look into your eyes, I hear your gentle voice and see the kindness and love that makes you who I wish I could be. I think that's why........."why me". God could have perhaps chosen a "roller coaster" that wasn't so steep, but this is the one we are on for a short time more. You're going to conquer this, my friend, and you know that. The 17th is getting closer and you know what's in store. You did it once before and you will do it again and come out, cancer free! That is the goal and you have so much more going for you this time around. The docs have doubled your odds and you have Libby. You're ahead already. I can only imagine the misery of chemo and I wish you didn't have to endure it again. So, just like in the book, Fredrick, who stored up all the beautiful colors of summer for the gray days of winter, you store up all your precious memories of your life with Kyle, your children and your grandchildren. Pull from them what you're going to need on your gray days and focus on nothing else. Live the really happy and special days you have all shared over and over together when the days get tough. Cry when you want to, Cindy, that's why we have tears and what makes us human beings. You have lots of strong arms to hold you and use their strength when you need a little more. Yes I Can!
    Did you and Kyle make that box yet? Don't forget about Jabez.

     

  • At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi cindy, It was so good to see you on Friday night and after talking with you I realized you worry about other things other than yourself. I think this is a good timne to share this prayer with you, it certainly has gotten me thru a lot of diddicult time in my life. If god brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God. I am sure you will get though this next journey in your life. It will not be easy but every thing will workout at the end. Just remember you have sooo many people who love you and are praying for you daily . Always srember YES YOU CAN. Love to you and Kyle Tom and Margy

     

  • At 10:25 PM, Blogger erika said…

    "Why me?" is a perfectly valid question and it's amazing that you haven't asked it until now. You have faced this battle with such determination and will that there was no room left for questioning how you got there in the first place. The important thing to remember is that it's ok to ask why and it's also ok to take a break from fighting once in awhile to just release. Your strength has inspired all of us, but you don't have to be strong all the time (that is when we will be strong for you).
    All my love,
    Erika

     

  • At 7:14 PM, Blogger Saroth said…

    Cindy,

    I can ever imagine or come close to knowing all the emotions you have experienced and have to deal with each day. But sometimes crying releases all that and we can move on. You have inspired many with your grace, strength, determination, faith, hope and courage. As I have said many, many times you amaze me and I am blessed to have you as a sister in law. You looked wonderful in your pictures at the wedding and I am glad we enjoyed some laughs at the shower. Everyone believes YOU can beat this. Having Libby in your corner makes it that much more special. Remember, we are all here for you.
    Love and Prayers,
    Jude and Shelly

     

  • At 5:43 PM, Blogger Kate said…

    Oh Cindy Lou. Yes, the wonderful "stages"--it seems that no one is immune to those damn stages.
    I am sorry that you are sad. I think that even if the stages were out of order, it was important at the time to go through the stages you were going trough. I hope that makes sense. Now, you feel good, and have been through other stages, that now, this stage can surface. Everyone has been telling you all along to keep your chin up...but none of us know how hard that is unless we have been through what you have. So, in retrospect, do whatever you need to do to get through. I will continue to have positive thoughts and positive prayers for you. However, sometimes you need to say...screw being strong all the time, I need to break down. Allow yourself to....it certainly isn't a bad thing Cindy. I know that even if that stage lasts long, you have too many people in your life that love you enough to drag you out of it. We love you. Jesus sheds tears for you too Cindy. He knows you are hurting, and knows that there is SO MUCH LIFE for you to live after this crap is out of your life forever!!!!
    Miss you much,
    Love,
    Kate

     

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